


After All

by pene



Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-04
Updated: 2015-02-04
Packaged: 2018-03-10 12:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,254
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3289559
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pene/pseuds/pene
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-ep to 6.05, Blaine POV. </p>
<p>
  <i>There is this space between Blaine’s heart and his lungs and no matter how much Blaine hears that Kurt will always love him, no matter how many times Kurt says the words, Blaine can never make them big enough to fill it.  </i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	After All

**Author's Note:**

> At its heart and in its hopefulness this is Klaine, but it's reaction fic to an episode in which Blaine is dating David Karofsky and it's from Blaine's point of view. 
> 
> Thank you to Corinna for walking me through the heart of this.

I.

It’s one of those blissful days when Blaine is certain of his welcome wherever he goes. New York moves by in a fast-paced blur. He nails his performance piece in his modern American theater class. The guy at the bodega remembers his name. The loft feels sweeter and more like home than ever.

Over dinner Kurt turns the lights down low. They hold one another’s gazes. Kurt listens to Blaine's concerns about the long assessment period with his head to one side and says, simply, "Sweetheart, you have got this covered. You're remarkable and you rehearse more than anyone I know. If any student deserves their embarrassingly spectacular grades it's you." His eyes are bright and focused. Blaine feels adored. The conversation stretches long after the food is finished. 

It’s one of those wonderful days when Blaine can scarcely believe that this is his life.

He finishes wiping down the table then moves up behind Kurt, who is up to his elbows in bubbles at the kitchen sink. Kurt never can get the hang of using dish soap in moderation. Today Blaine finds it adorable. He presses his lips to the place Kurt’s neck meets his shoulder. Kurt sighs contentedly and leans his weight back against Blaine. He tilts his head to bare more of his throat. That vulnerability crackles in Blaine’s nerves. Blaine wraps his arms around Kurt’s waist and shifts his hips forward, lets them push against Kurt’s ass, shows his intent. Kurt turns to face him. 

“I’m wearing rubber gloves,” he protests feebly. He is. They’re pink and they clash with his shirt. There’s a smile in his voice.

Blaine grins. “I don’t mind if you want to leave them on. I can work around anything.”

Kurt giggles, breathless and happy and still so in control. He moves in close and nips at Blaine's lower lip. Blaine feels almost giddy, knowing how this will go, knowing how thoroughly he is going to take Kurt apart. Kurt's lips move softly as he takes in Blaine’s breath.

When Blaine steps back a little, Kurt pulls the gloves off with a flirty wriggle of his hips and drops them at the side of the sink. “I think I’ll just leave them here.” 

“Your choice,” says Blaine and leans in to kiss him again. “I love you.”

Kurt lifts a hand and places it on Blaine’s chest. “Hold your horses there. I do need to wash my hands. They smell like rubber.” Kurt heads into the bathroom.

As he goes Blaine calls out, without a thought, “Do you love me?” He freezes, scrunches up his face, half hoping Kurt didn’t hear, half needing the answer.

“Of course I love you,” says Kurt without looking back. He’s said it a hundred times. More than a hundred.

Blaine closes his eyes. He tries not to see tension in Kurt’s shoulders. He tries not to hear the words as empty assertions he’d forced onto Kurt with his own voracious need. Kurt doesn’t lie about this stuff. He doesn’t. But there is this space between Blaine’s heart and his lungs and no matter how much Blaine hears that Kurt will always love him, no matter how many times Kurt says the words, Blaine can never make them big enough to fill it. 

He shakes it off. “I’ve got plans for you,” he says as he heads for their bedroom.

"Tell me about them,” says Kurt, suddenly close behind him. Blaine shivers appreciatively.

“They may or may not involve a selection of ties and your very lovely wrists and ankles.”

Kurt blushes. It settles Blaine’s heart. 

“Glad I rid myself of the gloves, then,” says Kurt and moves to kiss Blaine eagerly. He is everything Blaine ever dreamed of. Their whole life is everything Blaine ever dreamed.

 

II.

But Blaine is right not to trust the words. Months later everything is broken, Kurt has left without looking back and Blaine has no dreams at all.

 

III.

It takes time and compromise and work to build new dreams. These are dreams that fit Blaine better maybe, now that he is a person who had everything he loved taken from him, who let everything he loved go. These are dreams Blaine knows he is strong enough to handle. He finds a role leading the Warblers, he finds a boyfriend who admires him, who cooks spaghetti and watches football and has given up his own dreams of being a sports agent to live and work somewhere close to his mom. 

“She just needs someone around,” Dave says. He shrugs endearingly. “I want to be that someone for her.” 

When they met at Scandals, Dave asked the obvious question about Blaine’s much-publicized engagement. “Tough break,” he said when Blaine explained. “I liked Kurt.” 

It was weird. The room was loud, the music was the cheesiest kind of country and there was nothing there that Blaine wanted except company. But it was also the first time Blaine had told the story without crying. 

The relationship doesn’t sit easily with Blaine, not early on. For so long, Blaine was proud of his role in protecting Kurt from David Karofsky, in keeping Kurt safe. Now David Karofsky lies beside Blaine, reaches for him at night and no one is in danger at all. 

Blaine knows that he was always only part of that story. A lot of the story was Kurt’s, who was stronger than Blaine suspected. Who didn’t really need Blaine’s protection. Who didn’t really need Blaine at all as it turns out. But then, Blaine’s learning that he didn’t need Kurt either. Not like that. Because the worst happened and Blaine’s still here. 

The story was Dave’s too. 

They talk about it a little. Over a coffee, first. About being young and afraid and hating yourself and not being able to stop. About looking at a person who is all the things you’ve learned to hate and doesn’t even try to hide it. About wanting to stop him, wanting to hurt him, wanting to be him, wanting to kiss him, wanting to make him see what he is. 

Blaine can’t think about it too deeply. The ‘him’ is Kurt. And even without that the whole thing hits frighteningly to the bone. 

But Dave says, “I’ve looked at myself a lot since then. I had to. And it was Kurt, too. He helped get that started. I’ve learned what to do when I’m uncomfortable or frightened. I wouldn’t do any of that now.”

“I know,” says Blaine. He can’t see much to fear in Dave - just a guy who’s looked his own culpabilities in the mirror and at least got a handle on some of them. Still Blaine wonders what Kurt’s quick eyes would see. A part of him is glad Kurt isn’t around. 

They talk about Dave’s suicide attempt too. Dave brings it up. He’s kind of like Kurt in that way - willing to face the hard stuff. 

The way he tells it, it’s simple. “I hated myself, all of myself. And I was alone. So one failed suicide attempt later-,” he lets his voice fade.

“I don’t think of it as failed. More as a kind of success,” Blaine says.

“What?” asks Dave.

“Well it’s a good thing that you’re alive. It’s hard to see that as a failure.”

Dave looks as though he’s thinking something new. “Yeah,” he says. “Anyway it’s different now. I don’t hate myself any more. And I’ve gotten better at the alone stuff the last couple of years. Though I’m really glad that I don’t have to be.” He smiles at Blaine.

Blaine smiles back. It’s nice to be needed. 

The first time Dave says, “I love you,” it thuds like a rock in Blaine’s stomach. Because love. Love. Blaine knows love. 

But he looks back at Dave, who is mostly a soft-hearted guy, sometimes frightened, sometimes dorky, kind of smart and funny, getting to the point where his size is a liability rather than an asset. Dave is just learning to trust himself too, in a grown up way. And Dave’s sweet to Blaine. His eyes are never far from him. Blaine has never felt the need to ask Dave for the words. 

“Me too,” he manages. It’s probably true. 

This isn’t the way he thought love would ever feel. Once he and Kurt were engaged he never suspected he’d even want a second time round, and if he had. Well anyway, he didn’t expect this. 

There aren’t fireworks and serenades, his chest isn’t full to overflowing. He isn’t surer and brighter, heading for extraordinary things. But he also isn’t about to find himself at rock bottom. This love might never sing in his blood and take his breath but neither will it burn out his eyes and make him believe the whole world could be dark forever. 

Blaine doesn’t have to worry. He isn’t going to lose himself in Dave. And that’s good. It might be enough for Blaine.

 

IV.

Of course, Kurt comes back to Lima. After all that, Kurt comes back. Kurt changes things.

 

V.

Blaine commiserates with the Warblers over the invitationals loss, hands out tissues and praise and outlines some thoughts for the road to sectionals before he gets them all in the bus back to school. 

When he climbs into his car he touches his fingers to his lips, feels the phantom pressure of Kurt’s hand on his shoulder. He drives, with Kurt on his mind and on his skin. It’s terrifying. He takes the long way home, going out of town to where the sky is wide and the world big. He doesn’t want to lose himself, but it’s not like Blaine can think about anything else right now. He lets Kurt in there, bright like the sun, blotting out all other thought. 

Blaine drives until it’s time to head home. His hands shake as he opens the door of his apartment. Courage he tells himself, though there’s nothing to be afraid of. 

Dave’s in the living room, sitting comfortably on the couch under a photorealistic portrait of a rainbow unicorn. Blaine takes a breath. Dave takes up space so firmly. It’s sort of hard to look at the guy right now, but if Blaine can’t even do that then it’s all already over. And he hasn’t decided that. 

“You all right, Boo-Boo?” Dave asks. He mutes the tv. 

Blaine closes his eyes. “I just- I- Yeah. The Warblers lost and. It was a weird day.”

In the moments before he and Kurt kissed, Blaine thought this might be okay. Dave is a McKinley High alumnus. He knows Principal Sylvester. He’d believe it when Blaine told him about the animatronic tricyclist and her obsession with her former students’ romance. Dave would understand that kissing was essential, that it was forced, that Blaine wasn’t cheating. 

But in the end there’s no way he can tell Dave the truth. Because it was Kurt. Because Dave will know as soon as Blaine speaks that this is enormous. That it’s too, too much. The kiss was all-encompassing. There was nothing else. But there were twenty-four sort of ordinary hours before that which mattered maybe even more. 

Dave puts a heavy hand on Blaine’s shoulder. It’s familiar. “I’m sorry Boo-Boo. Your guys were in great form. They deserved the win.”

Blaine nods a thank you and settles in on the couch to watch the rest of Game of Thrones. When Dave heads for bed Blaine shakes his head but stands too, to get his laptop. “I want to get working on some ideas for the Warblers. They’re devastated by the loss and I need to turn them around. I’m thinking of some Robbie Williams or I don’t know, someone inspirational. What better way back to full strength than with some acappella pop?”

“Sounds good. You’re so responsible, Coach,” says Dave and slaps him affectionately on the rear. Blaine doesn’t flinch.

When Blaine crawls into bed an hour later, Dave is already asleep. His breath is slightly laboured, not quite a snore. It’s not Dave’s fault he doesn’t sleep like Kurt, doesn’t talk and play and smile like Kurt, doesn’t kiss like- Blaine is quiet. He makes himself as narrow as possible, lies straight along his edge of the bed. He keeps distance between him and Dave and stares out into the dark room. 

He’d never once thought that he was over Kurt. Not really. Not for long. When Kurt sat across from him at Scandals and said he wanted to get Blaine’s forgiveness first, and his heart afterwards Blaine thought, too late. His heart was already Kurt’s. But that didn’t make him less angry.

There’s a gap between the curtains and the window and through it Blaine can see a street light, yellow in the night. For the first time in a long time Blaine lets himself think about Kurt without any bitterness, as though there’s a faint possibility of a tomorrow there. 

Dave snuffles and turns in his sleep. Beside him, Blaine holds his breath.

He doesn’t think about the kiss. He thinks about Kurt who followed him to Lima but has neither left nor pushed for anything. Who’s been right there, within reach and beautifully open-hearted, giving Blaine his attention and his support, his kindness and his silence. He thinks about Kurt who has shown Blaine love without Blaine needing him to say it even once. 

Blaine rolls onto his back. He closes his eyes to the room around him, and he wonders. 

***


End file.
